Ep. 171 | Why Avoiding Conflict Is Destroying Your Relationships (and Your Health) with Baya Voce
You're not fighting. There's no big blowout. You just… stopped reaching for each other. The conversations are about logistics. The evenings are parallel screens. And lately you're more irritable, more reactive and snapping over nothing and then lying awake wondering what's wrong with you.
Here's what nobody tells you: when you avoid conflict instead of repairing, it doesn't just hurt your relationship. It hurts your health because your nervous system stays stuck in threat because it never got the signal that it's safe again.
In this episode, Dr. Avanti sits down with Baya Voce, one of the leading experts on relationship repair. Baya holds an MSW from Columbia University, is mentored by Esther Perel, and is a Co-Investigator on groundbreaking research with MAPS and Columbia University studying MDMA-assisted couples therapy. Her TEDx talk on loneliness has over 5 million views, and her core belief is that repair, done well, is the antidote to loneliness and disconnection.
Together they explore why repair is a nervous system response, not the communication skill we've been told it is. They also discuss why the power struggle phase of relationships isn't a sign that something is wrong, how loneliness shows up inside partnerships even when you're not alone, and one simple practice you can start tonight that can shift any relationship in your life.
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What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
(06:33) Why avoiding conflict destroys relationships
(17:25) Why repair is a nervous system response, not a communication skill
(23:10) Why a real boundary requires nothing of the other person
(35:46) How relational loneliness shows up even when you're not alone
(42:06) How MDMA-assisted couples therapy works
(53:44) One simple relationship practice you can use today: “complaint to request”
If you've been wondering whether your relationship is broken, it's probably not. You just never learned how to come back to each other.
About Baya Voce:
Baya Voce is a relationship repair expert helping couples come back together after conflict. She holds an MSW from Columbia University, with advanced training in Relational Life Therapy under Terry Real, and is in ongoing supervision with Esther Perel. She collaborates with Rick Doblin, MAPS, and Columbia University on pioneering research into MDMA-assisted couples therapy. Her TEDx talk "The Simple Cure for Loneliness" has over 5 million views. Her core belief is that repair, done well, is the antidote to loneliness and disconnection.
Connect with Baya Voce:
Website: bayavoce.com
Instagram: @bayavoce
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/bayavoce
The Repair Lab: repair.bayavoce.com/repair-lab-ai-a
Connect with Dr. Avanti:
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Resources:
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The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.