Habit Change and Bouncing Back when New Year's Resolutions Fail: A conversation with Dr. Tanmeet Sethi

Routines & PracticesFundamentals of AyurvedaMovement & ExerciseMental Health

Apr 4

How many different habit-forming rituals have you heard about in your lifetime? From the ever-popular book Atomic Habits, to articles upon articles on the internet, it seems we can’t get enough of trying to perfect our habit-forming. But just how much of that information is based on neuroscience and your biochemistry? Have you ever even thought about it before?

Habit-Forming Myth #1: It takes 21 days to form a new habit.

Fact: It actually takes a whopping 66 days to form a new habit.

I was surprised to learn that the 21-day habit myth didn’t come from research on behavior change; it originated with a plastic surgeon in the 50s who was talking about getting used to changes in one’s face.

My dear friend and colleague, Dr. Tanmeet Sethi clears up this misconception, and many more, on the new “Ignite” series of the Healing Catalyst podcast.

But even if we know it takes much longer than 21 days to create a new habit,this isn’t the only reason New Year’s resolutions fall by the wayside. In this episode, Dr. Sethi explains why so many resolutions fail… and how to make sure yours don’t.

First, we need to talk about definitions:

What’s the difference between a resolution, a goal, and a habit?

Resolutions help us paint the picture of the person we’d like to be. Goals are the steps that will help us get there, and habits are how we achieve these goals. Let’s start with the most common New Year’s resolution: going to the gym.

Here’s the breakdown:

Resolution: I want to be a healthier person through movement.
Goal: I will move my body more by going to the gym.
Habit: I want to go to the gym five times a week.

When we talk about it this way, it’s clear there is a lot more work that goes into fulfilling that resolute intention.

Habit-Forming Myth #2: If you’re imperfect when forming your new habit, you have to start all over again.

Fact: Habit forming isn’t linear.

In this episode, Dr. Sethi compares habit forming to climbing a lengthy spiral staircase. You may climb awhile, take a break to catch your breath, then start climbing again. You might even choose to slide down the banister (for fun!) before recommitting to the climb once more, kind of like the children’s board game Chutes and Ladders. And just like in the game, when building a habit, you may get almost to the finish line and then hit a snag that requires you to go back to the middle of the board.

But just because it didn’t work the first time, doesn’t mean it won’t work.

Habit-Forming Myth #3: If you aren’t good at forming healthy habits, you just aren’t trying hard enough.

Fact: It’s not about willpower, it’s about biochemistry.

Our brains are suckers for dopamine, that chemical that is created when we do something new and fun. The first few times you go to the gym, you may feel pretty great about yourself! This releases dopamine, reinforcing your healthy choices. However, the brain adapts to everything you do so it quickly needs MORE dopamine to create the same rewarding feeling. What does that mean for you? The next time you go to the gym, it feels a little less fun. You feel a little less proud. And it’s that much harder to make yourself go every time after that.

That’s why habit change can be so hard.

To make matters worse, if we blame ourselves when we don’t follow through on our intentions, we’ve created a negative feedback loop. As a result, our brain will make it even harder for us to go to the gym because we are giving ourselves a negative cue every time we don’t actually go.

To interrupt this cycle, cue yourself for the habit in a positive and self-compassionate way, creating new positive neural pathways in your brain.

Habit-Forming Myth #4: I can shame myself into making healthy choices.

Fact: “We have confused accountability with shame.”

Dr. Sethi blew my mind when she said this. You can hear in the interview that it took me a moment to get myself together when she dropped the mic with this message.

Apparently, I really needed to hear this one. When I fail at working towards forming a new habit, I can definitely move into shaming myself by saying, “You need to do better.” At that moment, I think I’m holding myself accountable, which will change my behavior.

Spoiler alert: it won’t.

Our brain goes into “threat mode” when exposed to shame, resulting in heightened activity in the protection center called the amygdala. According to Dr. Sethi, there are many studies that show when we’re threatened and operating out of the amygdala, we can’t see the consequences of our actions. We aren’t aware of the damage we are doing to our habit-forming.

But if we replace shame with self-compassion, the success rate for forming a new habit increases. We can think, “It’s okay that you didn’t go to the gym, you can try again. You needed rest today.” This calms the brain, moving into the frontal cortex, which is the place where real change is made.

Set your intention, reflect, and then move towards change.

Throughout our conversation, Dr. Sethi and I discussed the influence of Ayurveda on one’s ability to form new habits and make lasting changes. Part of Ayurvedic practice is being in harmony with the seasons. You may have heard the term “wintering,” shared in depth by Katherine May in her book by the same name.

Winter is not a natural time for plants to grow and evolve; it’s a time for rest and reflection. As humans, why would we be any different? It’s not natural to start something new when we’re supposed to be reflecting on what’s already happened and the kind of person we want to be going forward.

Typically, Spring is when things start to bud, grow, and change, not winter. Why do we force ourselves into rhythms that make forming new habits harder than they need to be?

My time with Dr. Sethi always needs to be longer, she has so much wisdom to share. As you listen to this episode, you’ll learn why. Tune in to hear more about all these concepts alongside some really practical ways to get started with habits that will create lasting change.

Learn more from Tanmeet